Slide and lift and slide and drop. No, not dead.

Last night i took a belly dancing class.

And here’s what I learnt.

Shakira is not human, she’s an alien. Then next time you see her dance, watch in slo mo, and you’ll see her cockroach like tentacles are what she uses to hypnotise you so you think she’s shaking every part of her body in different directions. Actually she’s just standing around regurgitating some vile green shit.

I am a medical marvel. There are muscles in my body that simply do not exist. I tried and tried to locate the ones that would help move my hips in one direction and my ribs in another, but after an hour and a half and many rotations I came to the conclusion that I’m joined in the hips with my ribs. They refuse to separate.

I have also located some new muscles. Which at the moment are singing in pain. In fact there is a full fledged concert happening in my body right now, and I have a VIP pass to the pain and ache area.

It is possible to dislocate your bum. And your hips. And your ribs. And your boobs. Or at least it is possible to feel like that.

And on the topic of boobs. If you are the kind who without blinking would have only one answer to the question The Most Significant Invention In The History Of Mankind Is...(drumroll) Padded Bras, then here’s a tip. Wear a padded, push up, lift off and anything else it promises bra when you belly dance. Because if you don’t have anything to heave and lift, it is positively depressing when the teacher keeps yelling “come on, you, lift and drop” and you meekly whisper, “but I am!”

The shimmy. Just when you get to the point where you’re congratulating yourself because your bum is shaking like there’s an earthquake under it, beware. That shake is being caused by fat flying around, and that is not the shimmy. The shimmy is when you start to feel strange muscles in your abs and your chest contract, till you think you’ll pass out.

And finally, I most definitely must have been dropped on my head as a kid, because I woke up thinking wow, I had such a great time last night. So I’m recommending belly dancing to all the women who’re reading this. (the problem with recommending the same to the guys is I keep having visions of hairy belly’s, and might never be able to sleep in peace again).

And yeah thank you V and E and M.

image@fichman israel

And so today we’re playing the Alien Anthem featuring Ten Headed Tentacle Waving Hypnotiser.