Friday, September 25, 2009

Slide and lift and slide and drop. No, not dead.

Last night i took a belly dancing class.

And here’s what I learnt.

Shakira is not human, she’s an alien. Then next time you see her dance, watch in slo mo, and you’ll see her cockroach like tentacles are what she uses to hypnotise you so you think she’s shaking every part of her body in different directions. Actually she’s just standing around regurgitating some vile green shit.

I am a medical marvel. There are muscles in my body that simply do not exist. I tried and tried to locate the ones that would help move my hips in one direction and my ribs in another, but after an hour and a half and many rotations I came to the conclusion that I’m joined in the hips with my ribs. They refuse to separate.

I have also located some new muscles. Which at the moment are singing in pain. In fact there is a full fledged concert happening in my body right now, and I have a VIP pass to the pain and ache area.

It is possible to dislocate your bum. And your hips. And your ribs. And your boobs. Or at least it is possible to feel like that.

And on the topic of boobs. If you are the kind who without blinking would have only one answer to the question The Most Significant Invention In The History Of Mankind Is...(drumroll) Padded Bras, then here’s a tip. Wear a padded, push up, lift off and anything else it promises bra when you belly dance. Because if you don’t have anything to heave and lift, it is positively depressing when the teacher keeps yelling “come on, you, lift and drop” and you meekly whisper, “but I am!”

The shimmy. Just when you get to the point where you’re congratulating yourself because your bum is shaking like there’s an earthquake under it, beware. That shake is being caused by fat flying around, and that is not the shimmy. The shimmy is when you start to feel strange muscles in your abs and your chest contract, till you think you’ll pass out.

And finally, I most definitely must have been dropped on my head as a kid, because I woke up thinking wow, I had such a great time last night. So I’m recommending belly dancing to all the women who’re reading this. (the problem with recommending the same to the guys is I keep having visions of hairy belly’s, and might never be able to sleep in peace again).

And yeah thank you V and E and M.

image@fichman israel

And so today we’re playing the Alien Anthem featuring Ten Headed Tentacle Waving Hypnotiser.


Small Miracle said...

hhahahahahahahaha.....tears rollin down...hahahahahah.....madness!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the imagery. Next time I see a belly dance, I'll remember what you said about hairy bellies!


RShan said...

Do they talk about "isolations" in your class? They do in my jazz class - thats when I realise that there may be a Siamese twin bonded inside of me who refuses to separate the diff parts of my body!

As the Mind Meanders said...

I have laughed my guts out... and I swear that is not an exaggeration...

Trouble is... how do I get them back in???


slash\\ said...

"VIP pass to the pain and ache area." Rolling on the floor. Hah.

Like other dance forms, is this one too supposed to be a good weight-loss technique? But with the fat gone from the belly, it would defeat the purpose, no?

pawan said...

Though your prophecy about hairy bellies is true, I couldn't help falling apart!
The description was simply classic.
Agreed, everyone is a medical marvel, you realized it after belly dancing and I after hitting thee gym. So I could relate with much of the pain explained.

And can I comment more?
I guess not, some posts are only meant to sit back, read and enjoy :)

Naveen kumar said...

“come on, you, lift and drop” and you meekly whisper, “but I am!”
..n also the one with hairy bellies
(will never be able to enjoy shakira dancing the way i used to :( ..almost scared me for life! )
lols .. awesome narration

Meghana Naidu said...

girl you do it day after day
I'm not bored, even for a single second, when i read you which is a huuuuge rarity

ROFL@ but i am!
ROFL@ dropped on your head
im glad you were, cause normal, healthy born babies couldn't think like this

i laugh! so much! funny funny

Anonymous said...

The funniest post ever! Ever!!! I have tears in my eyes now...Ohhh...Feel faint...Thank you so so much for this. :)

Arslan said...

Rofl! Makes me appreciate Shakira even more!

But seriously, the things girls put themselves through.. :P

Rohini said...

LOL! Especially at the cockroach pic!

- Sugar Cube - said...

lol @ the entire post!

"there is a full fledged concert happening in my body right now, and I have a VIP pass to the pain and ache area."
haha! you put it so well!

Awesome write up!

Shas said...

Lolzz....the fact about hairy bellies was funny.

Anita :) said...

I'm a regular reader, but I guess its the first time I'm commentin here... Just loved this post!! Hilarious and imaginative..! Simply loved it..!

Anonymous said...

LOL..belly dancing sounds torturous fun! Shakira is *definitely* part of an alien conspiracy to take over the world, or drive the women crazy.
First time here, and enjoyed it!

Divya said...

Belly dancing is FUN! I took a class this summer :D And it makes chubby people look more graceful than the skinny ones which is my dream come true.

But your description is so much better :P

Pancho said...


Somehow, this post (and Divya's comment) have just elucidated why my dyslexic mind has somehow always equated belly dancers with dancing jelly...

Unnnngh ... !!

Indian women (and the infamous Bollywood pelvic "jhatkas") have convinced me that their IS a solid connection between trans-Asiatic cultures as far as the phenomenon of belly dancing is concerned.

PS: I just like looking at gyrating women.

mentalie said...

hmm...i hear you're going professional, AGG...!

Divya said...

@Pancho- FIST!!

Eveline said...

That's like talking about me and flexibility. Belly dancing and me are ships passing in the night, and try as we might, it will never work between us.
It's not that I have no rhythm, I just have a different kind of rhythm, like a special kind of rhythm. Not unicorn special, but race horse special.

Odds are that you are a better dancer than I am. Take courage in that. :)

agent green glass said...

@all those who commented: glad you laughed. now hear this. i'm a glutton for punishment. sadist for the shimmy. my friend mentalie is right. i'm gonna pay money and twist myself into hideous contortions where my ribs and my hips will never meet again.

thank you. if i survive the weekend, you'll know i'm on my way to being an tentacle waving alien too!