Saturday, September 12, 2009

in theory i was already doomed

Theory 1: cold kills cold

So I had a cold. And I put 5 ice cubes in my rum and coke. Drank only super chilled thums up in office. And ate frozen gelatos two days running.

And yesterday I woke up, barely able to breathe or speak.

Theory 2: If you rest through the day, you’ll be able to party at night.

So I thought why bother going in to work, considering we were all meeting up and feasting at night. Let me dose on the antibiotics, and I’ll be fine by evening.

Theory 3: Goofing around never killed anyone.

Then I thought, “ gosh, let me watch some entourage, now that I’m full up on antibiotics. But before that let me bug the dog.”

So, get this, I stick my face right next to my mild mannered dog, who by the way is fast asleep and probably dreaming of some hot bitch, and suddenly yell, “ Miloooooooo” right into his ear.

Theory 4: Ha. Ha. Who’s scared of some blood?

It’s fucking sprouting like a fountain. Red, dark red and like thick fat drops falling all around me. And I’m like a zombie, running from one end of the house to the other. Suddenly I can’t remember how to work the phone or turn on the tap. Should I put ice, should I stick my nose under the tap, should I climb into the freezer?

Theory 5: Be nice to the patient.

I’m the subject of many amused looks and yells. Bed 6, dog bite on nose! A can’t stop laughing, z insists they’re going to graft the skin off my bum on to my nose. This is not looking good at all.

Theory 6: When you’re stressed you can’t sleep.

IV’s, rabies injections, doctor visits, test injections. I nod off. Hospital beds are most comfortable. And with the nice blanket, I feel like I’m in a hotel room.

Theory 7: Doctors don’t have a sense of humour.

Finally I’m in the OT. Waiting for them to numb me, and start stitching my nose up. The young doctor assistant who’s been acting very cool and staring down my chest while they strap the ECG thing is chatting on his phone as he cleans my gaping wound. The plastic surgeon arrives and asks me to open my eyes.

The assistant has got solution in my eyes, I try opening them, blinking frantically. And suddenly I see the surgeon’s hand reach out and slap the assistant hard.

I almost faint, the doctors are hitting each other. Dude, get me out of here.

Anyway assistant sort of whimpers and shuts his cell. The doctor boss has words with him. And then I’m all stitched up.

So finally there is only one theory that the world rests on. Everything else is shit.

Let sleeping dogs lie.


Anita said...

oh dear...!

Divya said...

I'm sorry but noone cant not laugh when they hear dog bite on nose :D

Cold to fight cold works for me everytime, though for some "inexplicable" reason my colds seem to last a month at a time :|

Anonymous said...

Oh My God!!! You have a rocking sense of humour and are completely crazy!
That was terrible but I was laughing through most of it...I feel terrible now...Hope you are better....

The Cloudcutter said...

Shit! Did this really happen?
You're right about that theory - let sleeping dogs lie.
Get well soon.

- Sugar Cube - said...

Oops..hope you are fine now!

lol @ subject of many amused looks and yells

Docs really don't have a sense of humor!

I love the way you articulated the incident.Very different & engaging read :)

Shanu said...

Ohh man..only sum1 with an insane sense of humour can laugh thru sumthin like this.

Hats off to you...and yeah get well soon!

Saltwater Blues said...

So now if someone kisses you on the nose they can in effect say they kissed your ass, what with the skin graft and all!

Bludy hell dude! One thing I learnt very early on is don't mess with animals when they sleeping, eating or doing the sexuss. It pisses them off. Like it would us I suspect!

Get well soon AGG.

slash\\ said...

Serious thrill issues you have, playing Chinese whispers with canines.
Things people do to get a blogable topic :D

As the Mind Meanders said...

Oh my God! Is the dog all right....

mentalie said...

AGG, you neglect to mention theory x: good habits keep your nose out of trouble

agent green glass said...

@anita: : ) thank you. most people have laughed and said, " Oh dear, poor dog!"

@divya: it is funny. even i was laughing. and inexplicable is the right word. and we're not winning the nobel prize for medical breakthroughs on that theory.

@choco: i'm feeling fine. thanks. : )

@the cloudcutter: ya, ya, i know it sounds totally unbelievable. my mom said only a cretin(!!!) would do something like that. but ya, it did happen.

@sugarcube: i'm telling you it was pretty funny actually.

@shanu: thanks.

@SwB: doing the sexuss : ))) yeah, i don't think you should mess with anyone when they're doing the sexuss.

and the skin graft didn't happen. damn. i would have had such a nice nose : )

@slash: oh ya, btw next week i'm doing a post on how to get your arm bitten off by an angry croc. do drop in and read it.

@ATMM: funny, how everyone is so concerned about the dog. actually so was i.

poor guy.

@mentalie: lol. god nose how many of those theory things got debunked that day.

Meghana Naidu said...

he he he hE HE HE ROFL!!!

oh hilarious!! you know just the right things to do dont you! hilarious!
slash might very well be right!!

PS: before you start thirsting for my blood maybe it would help to know that i left my thumb inside a car door a day back. yes the rest of me stayed out.

Pancho! said...

Having lived with dogs all my life, I really don' t think "Miloooooooo" was to blame for this one...

However, I do believe I'm preaching to the choir here, so I'll shut up, and close with:

"stoopid freak accident"

( and @ wot'yusaid' to SwB):
F£"&ing Brilliant!!!

slash\\ said...

So you're gonna type the croc post with one hand? That'll be a long time coming. ;)

Spazsim Chasm said...

hahaha :)
why would you yell into anyones ear? i'd bite your nose off too :)

agent green glass said...

@meghana: ouch. you left ur thumb behind. nooooo. you're as bad as me.

@pancho: yes, you are preaching to the have been preached a million times, till it is now coming out of my ears : )

but yup, had dogs all my life and still so stooopid!

@slash: ha, i will do anything to have you coming back to my blog.

and no, will not be typing with one hand. that's because i would have got the chainsaw stuck in it two days after the croc got the first hand.

i'm starting type with your toe classes tomorrow : )

@spazsim: sigh. i would do the same. what can i say?

in my defence, my brain just stops working when i'm thinking of adrian grenier. it just going blink, beep...shut down, shut down...

As the Mind Meanders said...

But tell me some...

Before you got it fixed... could you breathe better with the nose :D

kedar said...

post-writing/comment-replying from your hospital bed? tch..tch... your loyalty to readers might just give the poor dog a complex.

agent green glass said...

@ATMM: it smells of a trick question.

@kedar: ooh. snarky shit eh? thanks for the concern, i'm so touched.

dude, people don't stay in hospitals after dog bites. they get stitched up and they leave. watch some ER or something.

kedar said...

clarification: i wasn't being snarky. i was trying to humour you.

now, that's what i don't get. why does something have to be funny only when we use :) or ;) or hahaha! or what's popular these days, lol. i don't use them because i don't want them to cover for me.

if i'm not sure what i want to convey will be conveyed by all the words that come before the smiley, i'd rather go back and rewrite.

but, it didn't work. did it? because you took offense.

p.s. i suppose tch..tch.. turned the tone tables against me. i'm never going to use it again. ever.

agent green glass said...

@kedar: i'm sorry.

i was just a grouch this morning, and ya, i thought you were being snarky and thereby proceeded to be even more snarky.

please accept my apologies. yes, the tch tch turned the tables. but your comment on the smiley emoticon got me thinking.

i hate them, but use them out of sheer laziness. which is pretty disgusting. so i'm going to stop. let's see how it goes.

ani_aset said...

hehe damn you na..superb ..why did you do that to your dog :)..hows you now?

Arslan said...

This one's a classic. Read a bit like Pahluniak. :)