Wednesday, November 25, 2009

how to fool millions and make millions

I went to watch twilight last evening.

I’d borrowed the book from a friend’s daughter and finished it in one go. Then someone gave me the other three. Which weren’t as hot as the first one. Dude, she gets married at 18 to a vampire, they keep trying to have sex for more than half the book and then finally voila! She has two kids in two days and then turns vampire herself.

Yesh, someone hold up a barf bag while I throw up.

Anyway, the book is a rage. And like I said, the first one is pretty neat. Some smouldering romance, solid vampire action, potential for great music.

And then comes the movie.

Here’s how they wrote the screenplay. Let’s start with page one, then go to page 20, then straight to page 80 and then page 160 and so on and so forth.

It just keeps jumping like a flea on acid.

The hero, who has way too much foundation on his face, looks so nice when he smiles. Which is precisely twice in the movie. The rest of the time the director insisted he keep peering under his eyebrows so he’d look like a vampire. He just ends up looking like he’s holding back a fart.

The heroine never smiles. And looks more washed out than the vampire.

The production values are so tacky. It screams kanjoosi.

The special effects are the comic relief.

The story is butchered.

And the effing movie raked in 70.6 million dollars.

Where’s the justice in this world?

And, on the topic of let's make love vs. let's fuck, I'll go with what this chick suggests. Let's have sexy time I think wins hands down.

20 comments:

Nu said...

Me first YAY !

Nu said...

Oh is it that bad a make of the book ? God ! Apt title of the post...but only for the people who haven't read your post :)

Well what cloud-cutter has said is very fine to accept na...Let's have a sexy time :) sounds reasonable !

oRange* said...

the actor looks so gay. how did u tolerate him :|

everyone's crazy behind twilight for god knows what!

The Cloudcutter said...

Oye! Mad woman! Why you directing people to my blog, esp now that I will be MIA for a while?
And why the hell did u go and watch Twilight? Get your hands on The President is Coming ASAP. Let's have the sexy time indeed!

Mohan said...

You should become a movie critic.. seriously! only then the title of this post will be justified :D

Damn.. i didn't like the movie either.. but then again so much of hype... looks like the whole world is into the act of fooling :(

Anonymous said...

OMG... your scathing review drove me to see "Wake Up Sid" now I shall have to check out Twilight too... Please become a movie critic - your reviews are so much more fun than the crap in the ToI :D -L

The Cloudcutter said...

Ok, I put up a quick post just for you :-)

Diwakar Sinha said...

'The hero, who has way too much foundation on his face, looks so nice when he smiles. Which is precisely twice in the movie.'
lol!

Mumbai Diva said...

that made for a fun read. nah. i think i'll skip this one.

Roy said...

the last movie I saw was the hangover. and you blast any i plan to watch. I think ill watch borat again

agent green glass said...

@nu: lol. yup, very bad adaptation of the book. ha ha - i love the sounds reasonable!!!

@orange: dunno. maybe because compared to the girl he was like a sight for sore eyes. tho yup, all the lipstick and pale face foundation and the strange looking through his eyelashes did make him look strange. but good body no? : )

*shakes head* search me. how can anyone go crazy over that film?

@cloudcutter: yehahahahha (evil laff) that's my way of bringing you back to the land of the living.
i went and watched it coz inside me resides a hysterical teenager that needs to be satiated with offerings of twilight.
or sexy time!

@mohan: aah. another one bites the dust. join the 'fooled into parting with our money thanks to all the hype' club. see you at the new moon release!

@anon L: noooo. i'm driving you to see these movies???? : ) listen, i'm not footing the bill okay.

@diwakar: : ) really. he could have been dreamy. maybe. if he wiped the constipated look off.

@mumbai diva: believe me, you will not regret it!

- Sugar Cube - said...

lol :)
I have read the book..badly wanted to see the movie but looks like I don't need to rush to it :D

Thx for the kickass review! ;)

Anita said...

Read the book. Skip the movie.

Eveline said...

I just had to reply to this post. I kept hearing about lots of people (spaz-adults) loving Twilight. I was curious about all the hype so I 'fess up to downloading the movie and watching it in secret. Maybe you have to be a teenager to love it but I HATE HATE HATE it.
And it's one of those things that I've begun loving to hate. The camera work is horrendous, going in and out of focus for no reason at all, closing up on the actors way too close. I compare it to the whole Titanic craze way back when. Terrible. Just terrible. Ok I'll stop (I could go on mind you but...yeah, I'll stop :)

Anita :) said...

Hey u shud become a movie critic ya..i loved ur wake up sid review also!

Perakath said...

Wtf, agg... I just read (and liked) book 1, and saw the first movie, and now you've given away the storyline! Spoiler alert next time, please.

DewdropDream said...

Hello again ... happened to find your post just as I was posting about Twilight and I've linked to you :)

The knife said...

I don't watch horror films on principle. So won't watch horrifying films too

*Shreya* said...

SO true! bless you!

ani_aset said...

hehe thanks for such a nice review AGG :)