Saturday, July 4, 2009

Come as you are As you were As i want you to be

Aaah. To have the internet again. To be connected to a gazillion people, creatures, crossed wires, lingering thoughts in outer space, emoticons. What a relief.

First, I moved house. Yabba dabba is done.

Second, I realised this is the longest I have ever lived in a house. Six years. I was scared that when we moved, gnarled and mottled roots would be trailing me.

But, I’m happy to say, I have not looked back once. Not in the six days since we moved. Which means sometimes things you learn in your childhood, never go away. Like for instance how to do cycle wheelies, how to tell your mom the selective truth, how to tickle your nose till you get gigantic sneezes.

And of course how to move house every two years. Not just move house, but cities, schools, friends, teachers, uncles, aunties. In my twelve years of schooling (ha ha...if you could really call it that. I love the Kendriya Vidyalayas or Central School as I like to say smugly to my convent educated friends. But the schooling, that was always a little suspect). Anyway in my twelve years of dodgy schooling, I shifted school thirteen times.

And I loved it. This is the pattern I would follow. First six months in a new school I would be good girl, studious girl, wholesome girl, teacher’s pet etc etc. Then slowly the facade would slip. And I’d start to side with the groups, usually the last bench, last in class group. Then, I’d lose interest in the same old teachers and the same old classroom, and the same old school. But because of the first six months, the teachers would not give up on me. My marks would still be good, they’d still give me benefit of doubt if I didn’t turn in my home work, or skipped a class or two.

Then... things would start to go downhill. I would pray my dad got transferred. The teachers would shake their head when I passed them in the corridor and generally – I would be on the verge of tipping in to the loser list, when voila...saved by dad’s posting and a new school. And the cycle would start all over again.

The great thing about moving is leaving the past behind. We store so much of it. And even when we get rid of it from our minds, there are physical bits that we cling to.

I found a whole bunch of cards, from my hostel days. My first instinct was to keep them. To remind me of the carefree times. But then, I realised I didn’t need to cling to them. The times were gone, but most people who sent me those cards are still my friends. And I still talk to them, mail them, and even meet them once in a while.

The other thing I found was a poem I had written when A and I were going through a really bad time. We were on the verge of splitting. And I had written this very sad, very confused, very painful poem. Again, my first instinct was to keep it. Then I realised I didn’t need to. The pain was gone. We are still together. And I’m not shy to say, that if I ever had to live without him, it would be the most difficult thing to do.

So the cards and the poem are gone. The cards are buried somewhere, the poem I tore and scattered around the old house.

It’s a new house. A blank slate. I choose to fill it with nothing except the happiness that A, Milo and I share at the moment.

Amen to that then.

(and to those who commented on my earlier blog, I’m sorry I could not write back. But well, in my old age I must be getting senti, because thank you for all the nice stuff you guys wrote. And pinku, the funny thing is I really don’t think I had a bitter lonely childhood. I just had an interesting one!

And blog gore: who’s there?)


Pranay said...

The first one to comment I suppose..:). And I am getting a bit of taste of your writing and I like it. :) (must confess, I read quite a few posts before the M.J one.)
Interesting childhood for sure. I never was able to understand how people could grow up shifting from place to place. As I am sure, you people would wonder how we grow up in one place. Aaahh..One of life's impossible mysteries.
The clean slate theory of yours. Man..that's some thinking. I admit it would be very difficult to do that but the fact that you can speaks a lot.
I believe, when you are about to die, the only thing you really have are your memories. However they are.
Wish you stay here even longer...

As the Mind Meanders said...

AGG Who's there ??? AGG... she is back... Cool...

You for one don't need to keep souvenirs to remind you of the past AGG... your mind is a brilliant memory store...

And then you reproduce them so brilliantly.. like you have done here...

And enjoy the new house...

Anonymous said...

This post was such an insight into someone's childhood. We had girls in our school who were from hostels and who were complete rebels. I used to adore them! Your post reminded me of some people I knew years back!
Thanks for sharing! You write really well :)
& all the best for life in your new house!

Screenage Scribbler said...

Very well written post :) And yes it actually took me my changing days. I mean the whole exercise of changing everything and everyone. Its usually seen as uncool but this post will surely change the thinking...

Moving on is the rule of life and thats what we do. Moving on is leaving past behind and not clinging to even those physical bits...If you are still in touch with old friends and relatives then you don't need those bits and if you are not in touch with them and they those bits does not make any sense anyways !

Good Luck in your new house :)

The knife said...

congrats on your new house...that's tougher than getti ng a significant other in Bombay. Still in Bandra?

AAh memories...often wondered what to do with scraps from the past... even if you junk them the memory remains

This is that said...

Congrats..I loved this post, it's not overly sentimental and yet it is full of feeling. I am dying to see your new house and I am sure you will make a whole bunch of new memories here.


And the thing about letting go. Sigh. It made my heart ache. I am a clinger. I cling.

agent green glass said...

@pranay: i know. i do wonder what it feels like to grow up in one place. what does it feel like? to live in the same house, same friends, same school. sometimes i think must be great, sometimes i think maybe not. it's like the single child vs kid with brothers/sisters thing. you always wonder. thanks for the wishes : )

@blog gore: awwww. you are too kind. and too cool. thanks for the wishes too.

@choco: ooh... i loved the rebels too. one rebel changed my life - she introduced me to MJ, duran duran, billy idol and black nail polish. heh heh. i think it was the epitome of cool to me back then! thank you for the wishes.

@screenage: aah..i like the way you neatly put the moving on. thank you for the best wishes.

@the knife: yup...bandra it still is : ))))))) what happened to our cooking club? let's do it!

@this is that: i love you. and the best red bag ever. mwaaaaaaaaah!

Divya said...

Wow.. that would be SO hard for me to do.. i collect memories everywhere I go.. a receipt here, a business card there, a movie ticket sometimes :P and if i ever lost any of them i would be sad definitely... even if the memories make me a tad nostalgic or sad.. not the best habit I'd suppose... the clean slate theory just seems brave :) and hmm.. a tad more healthy :P

doingmything said... moved and you are happy! Loved your post!!! So well written, as always and also because I could relate. Like thais and that, I am a clinger ...or used to be...have had to let go thanks to the many moves (across houses, cities , countries) I have made. I used to think it'd be very hard...yet now I realise it can be quite freeing!
Would love to come see your home one day.

Kaddu said...

Hmmmm. Interesting. I need to do some closet cleaning too it seems!

ani_aset said...

Aaah this happens to be the first ever post that did not give me stomach aches, or made me use lol,rofl etc etc

Just a simple post.. touche :D..and all the best

Anonymous said...

I am so happy, I bumped into your blog! :D