Friday, June 19, 2009

rumble in the bronx

Let me start by saying this is yet another post about bodily functions. And if you’re going to tell me I am obsessed with this stuff, don’t waste your breathe.

And zillionbig, do not scare me by telling me I have antosiphitis or lamestomachistis or burningdisease or something like that. I’m still doing the two million asanas for every part of my body, all thanks to your last comment.

The thing is my stomach growls. At inopportune moments.

It never ever growls when I’m alone. But if there’s a small closed door meeting, or a large board room presentation, you can bet my stomach will growl. or if I’m in a car with some strangers, and there is no music on, you can be sure my stomach will try and fill the silence.

And no, I do not suffer from constipation, or diarrhea, or other such stomach ailments. Zillionbig, please note. I just have a stomach that goes berserk at times.

And it’s downright embarrassing. Imagine what the guys next to you are thinking,
“Gosh, such a loud noise? Is she farting?” It’s like the times you move in a chair and it makes a farting noise. So you promptly move round a little more, and make the noise a few more times, so people get it. It is the CHAIR and not me.

So now you’re hoping your stomach growls a few more time, so they realize that you can not be repeatedly farting, in company. Hopefully.

Other times, I have to resort to coughing to time with my stomach growling. That’s very inconvenient. One, because if you exert too much pressure, god just might have a little accident in your underpants. Second, because it doesn’t really sound the same. Coughing is a short bark, growling is long and base sounding, so it's like two layered sounds that can produce very scary reactions in people. Like now everyone around is thinking, “Oh my god, she’s farting and coughing. Hope she doesn’t crap in her pants.”

Lord. I hope they’re really not thinking that. The thing is if you’re with folks you know, even a little, you can always laugh and say, “My stomach can’t stop growling. I must be hungry.”

But what if you don’t know them at all? Like the time I went to Singapore to meet these very propah clients. My first meeting with them. I take the red-eye flight and arrive in their posh office in the morning. And all through my first presentation to them, my stomach is louder than me.

I coughed, I banged files around, I kept squeaking in my chair to cover it up, but it was louder than rakhi sawant. And the entire two hour meeting everyone studiously avoided my gaze as my stomach rumbled on and on.

I’m pretty sure when it was over they locked themselves in a room and laughed till they cried.

So me, I’ve decided there is only one way to tackle this. The next time it rumbles loud and long, I’m just going to stand up and announce, “the monsoons are coming!”

To hell with everyone.
Rumble rumble. Grumble grumble.


ani_aset said...

hahah..rofl..this is just too good...loved it :)...i love the humour..and loved the analysis of Cough vs Fart..too good

As the Mind Meanders said...

The last time... It was the bladder... And I had suggested that we put it in a museum...

Now I say.. forget the bladder... its the stomach that deserves museum space... It should e in a science museum... It will sit there in its showcase... little children will crowd around it and look at it in awe.. and then suddenly... the stomach... it will tremble and growl... and the little children will clap with glee... the younger ones will run away scared... the museum will make a lot of money

And between your bladder and your stomach... we know who is the boss... as soon as one growls... the other one pees..

But seriously... I dont know why it worries you... I mean.. next time in a bored room... during a meeting... you think your stomach is gonna growl... like a lady... lean to one side... let the stomach growl... sit back... adjust your clothes... and say sorry... you have fooled them... they are no longer confused... they dont know it's your stomach now... and its no longer a bored meeting... what are they gonna do... hang you...

As the Mind Meanders said...

Jokes apart... please go and see a doctor... :-)

The knife said...

Feed it... btw went to SWC again last night. Genius!

Divya said...

My dear good hilarious woman.. Eat!!! :D

I loved the monsoon bit :D

mentalie said...

you might be on to something with the monsoon announcement...maybe you're the original rainmaker, agent!

LostLittleGirl said...

hahahahha hee hee. This is insane, you have all my problems and more. Loved it..but you should go see a doctor because you have something called acidity, it happens with people who have irregular meal timings, and no amount of yoga will help if you don't time your food. I'm taking medicines for this and now nothing growls anymore!

LostLittleGirl said...

And that stupid sound chairs make is the most embarrassing thing ever..I make fidgety sounds too to make it clear to everyone that it's not me. Don't know how much they believe hmm

Tiger said...

damn funny and realistic. keep posting

This is that said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah...OMG...soooooo are so freaking funny, what a fabulous subject to write about. I loved it.

agent green glass said...

@ani: : ) thank you. glad not to gross you out.

@blog gore: eeks. i would never lean to one side. not unless i wanted to put an end to the meeting real quick.
and the museum made me laugh so hard, that i wanted to pee!

@the knife: you have got me addicted. i'm taking pix everytime i go out to eat. will post cafe goa for you!

@divya: : ). yup, my stomach will not rain on my parade.

@mentalie: ya, maybe i can also get lightning to come out of my...ears! add to the effect.

@lostlittlegirl: et tu? you don't know happy that makes me! yup, i know what you're saying. can't keep long gaps in the eating.

@tiger: thank you.

@this is that: : )))))

Small Miracle said...

madness at its best!! i gave a shout out to u on my blog and u juss plain ignored it : (

agent green glass said...

@small miracle: eeks. did i? going right now to correct it. btw valley of lowers is on on on!

kedar said...

nice picture at the top of your post.

ziba said...

ooooooh i have the exact same problem. mine especially decides to growl at Prithvi during the long pauses between dialogues in a play and due to their excellent acoustics i think the whole hall as heard it..
try keeping something to munch on

Pinku said...

awesome good!!!! ur are superb!

Corinne Rodrigues said...

Been catching up on your posts..and find another similar thing ;)...hmmmm...I once had my stomach growl right in the middle of a studio recording!

Shanu said...