rumble in the bronx

Let me start by saying this is yet another post about bodily functions. And if you’re going to tell me I am obsessed with this stuff, don’t waste your breathe.

And zillionbig, do not scare me by telling me I have antosiphitis or lamestomachistis or burningdisease or something like that. I’m still doing the two million asanas for every part of my body, all thanks to your last comment.

The thing is my stomach growls. At inopportune moments.

It never ever growls when I’m alone. But if there’s a small closed door meeting, or a large board room presentation, you can bet my stomach will growl. or if I’m in a car with some strangers, and there is no music on, you can be sure my stomach will try and fill the silence.

And no, I do not suffer from constipation, or diarrhea, or other such stomach ailments. Zillionbig, please note. I just have a stomach that goes berserk at times.

And it’s downright embarrassing. Imagine what the guys next to you are thinking,
“Gosh, such a loud noise? Is she farting?” It’s like the times you move in a chair and it makes a farting noise. So you promptly move round a little more, and make the noise a few more times, so people get it. It is the CHAIR and not me.

So now you’re hoping your stomach growls a few more time, so they realize that you can not be repeatedly farting, in company. Hopefully.

Other times, I have to resort to coughing to time with my stomach growling. That’s very inconvenient. One, because if you exert too much pressure, god knows...you just might have a little accident in your underpants. Second, because it doesn’t really sound the same. Coughing is a short bark, growling is long and base sounding, so it's like two layered sounds that can produce very scary reactions in people. Like now everyone around is thinking, “Oh my god, she’s farting and coughing. Hope she doesn’t crap in her pants.”

Lord. I hope they’re really not thinking that. The thing is if you’re with folks you know, even a little, you can always laugh and say, “My stomach can’t stop growling. I must be hungry.”

But what if you don’t know them at all? Like the time I went to Singapore to meet these very propah clients. My first meeting with them. I take the red-eye flight and arrive in their posh office in the morning. And all through my first presentation to them, my stomach is louder than me.

I coughed, I banged files around, I kept squeaking in my chair to cover it up, but it was louder than rakhi sawant. And the entire two hour meeting everyone studiously avoided my gaze as my stomach rumbled on and on.

I’m pretty sure when it was over they locked themselves in a room and laughed till they cried.

So me, I’ve decided there is only one way to tackle this. The next time it rumbles loud and long, I’m just going to stand up and announce, “the monsoons are coming!”

To hell with everyone.
Rumble rumble. Grumble grumble.