Saturday, June 13, 2009

bladderdash

Has it ever happened to you?

You’re sitting in a conference room. A meeting is on. You’re wearing a light sleeveless top, and open shoes. It’s just a little cold. Then slowly the cold starts to creep in to your toes and you feel the urge to pee.

You are sitting right at the end of the narrow room. So you stand up, while someone is presenting. Then in the most unobtrusive manner you try and make it to the door. Unfortunately, just about everyone in your path is leaning back in their chair. So when you have to pass the entire room is a symphony of creaking, shuffling, squeaking as people move their chairs. All your chances of a quiet exit are ruined.

But that’s okay, everyone has to pee right?

Anyway you finish your bladder business and you take your seat, setting off the squeaking, shuffling, shifting again.

You are so relieved that the stupid business is over that you drink some water. Then sip your stone cold tea, slowly getting back in to the presentation. As you keep listening to the person talking, you absently minded, and also because you’re just a little bored, keep taking sips of water. And then suddenly you realise your bladder is feeling a little full, AGAIN.

You panic, and steal a look at the cell phone screen. It’s been only fifteen minutes since you went peed.

Damn. You can’t go to the loo again, so soon. Through all the creaking, shuffling, shifting. So you push the glass away. And try and concentrate on what’s being said. But now your toes are feeling cold again. And you know what that means. Your colleagues are going to think you have urinary incontinence.

So you squeeze your thighs together, and practise highway-highway. Which is trying to pretend you are on a highway where there is no loo. But then the thighs are beginning to quiver. And even if there is no loo on the highway, you can always use the bushes right?

So now you’ve lost all track of what’s happening in the meeting. Five minutes have passed. You cannot hold on any longer. Your toes are ice. And you are just beginning to wiggle in your seat, with your thighs jammed together. The guy in the neighbouring chair is beginning to wonder what’s up with you because all this is getting magnified by the soft repeated squeak-squeak of your chair.

So you get up and start to make your way to the door. The same noises but this time some folks are looking just a little surprised. It’s like “wait a minute, weren’t you the one who just went.”

Anyway, when you have to go, you have to go.

And you come back. And you settle into your seat. And you push the water away, and you try and keep your feet warm by constantly rubbing them against each other, studiously avoiding the stares the person on the right is giving you.

But your mind and your bladder, they went drinking last night, and decided to ruin you. And the staff at the hotel, and the guys who set the agenda for the meeting, they are all part of the plan.

Because just as you’re thinking I’ve got it all covered, my bladder is empty, someone announces, “ Okay, we’re taking a five minute nature break. We start again at 12.35 for the next three hour session.”

And as everyone files out of the room, you’re frantically gulping glasses of water.

But with my luck, yesterday, the water only kicked in at 1.30. And then 1.45.

16 comments:

Nupur said...

Yeah,sounds really really familiar ! It happens to me..and especially when you are in a serious quiet meeting ! LOL :)

The water as well as the air conditioner also does its part :)

Nicely written and truly expressed !

ZiLliOnBiG said...

No, it doesnt happen to me, bcoz i am brave enough to excuse myself and head towards the next available peehole, no matter the frequency is short.Yes iam.:))))))))

Young lady, i have noticed that your pee and bladderdash anecdotes are quite regular. I must urge you to get it properly checked, coz frequent peeing could be due to other reasons, like bladder infections or diabetics. No, i aint scaring you, just helping you. Cheeers:))

Divya said...

So totally happened to me :D too embarassing... And (this has been done before you realise), ruins one's mental piss :P

Divya said...

So totally

Kokonad said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kokonad said...

"But your mind and your bladder, they went drinking last night, and decided to ruin you. "
Ha ha ha ha! Me laughed so much! I mean, I feel sorry for you and all... but :)
Anyway, if you have seen Monsters Inc, you know this scene (time stamped to 6:22 min)

Enjoy!

Corinne Rodrigues said...

Hmmmmm..and I thought I was the only one!

Long time no see. How have you been.

Hugs

Corinne

LostLittleGirl said...

hahahah. Omg that happens to me all the time, especially when I have someone over and it's dead in the night! Thought I was the only once with an embarrassingly regular bladder..:) Your blog is too funny

agent green glass said...

@nupur: thanks for dropping by. and for the comments. and for the it happens to me! makes me think zillionbig may be wrong, it's not just me!

@zillionbig: ok. you are brave. i'm just obsessed with obsessing over what people will think. and pee. and shit. just regular stuff. and you did scare me. i'm a closet hypochondriac. and i'm now doing all sorts of asanas for my kidneys, and bladder, and liver and heart for good measure.

@divya: thanks. at least some 'peeple' get it! : )))

@kokonad: i saw that. and laughed till i wanted to pee. but listen, i went to your blog and kept trying to leave a comment and couldn't. the doodles are soooooo fantastic. you have a strip just waiting to explode dude.

@corinne: hugs hugs hugs. you are my favourite cyber person! : ) more hugs.

@lostlittlegirl: thanks for dropping by too. welcome to the can't mind your P's club. : )

Kokonad said...

Thanks AGG! :)

I am sorry my blog did not allow you to comment :(
But I checked with my apartment-mate and he had no problem... I wonder why it did not allow you to comment! :(
Thanks for letting me know - I will keep an eye or two out in case it happens again. :)

As the Mind Meanders said...

That bladder deserves museum space :-)

We will all stand around and look at it in wonder... :-D

As the Mind Meanders said...

I also look forward to taking a photograph with the wax replica at Madame Tussauds...

ani_aset said...

hehe lovely post..my first visit to the blog..enjoyed it

Nikki said...

Interesting write up! :) Keep away from the water! Lolz.

My first visit to your blog and I will keep visiting!

TC,
NIkki

Serendipity said...

TOTALLY HAPPENED.

:D

I could go into more funny incident narrations, but that would be embarassing.

agent green glass said...

@ani: thank you. hope to see you again.

@nikki: thanks. gosh, i can't keep away from water. but ya, i'm trying to time it better! : )

@serendipity: no, no...please tell.