bloody fool

I cut my hair. Snipped the length and the curls out.

And realised two things. I feel compelled to be cool at the salon. I also feel compelled to be cool at the doctor/dentist/tattoo parlour. Anything that involves pain or doubt or scares me, I behave strangely masochistic.

Dentist: “ I’m gonna need to extract two teeth.”

Me (tonsils shivering): “ha, ha, extract four.”

Doctor: “You will now be wheeled into the OT”

Me (head spinning): “ Sure. No worries, just knock me out cold.”

Hairperson (should it be barber/hairsylist/hair dresser/hair manager): I’m going to cut about 5 inches off.

Me (cold, nervous palpitations): Yeah, yeah, just chop it all off.

And so on and so forth. As you probably realise this leads to alarming consequences. Like I’ve been visiting the dentist for over three years regularly. And he’s probably changed all my teeth, and I don’t know, because I’m in a spell.

So my haircut is also a result of this moronic behaviour. It’s the worst length ever. Just about covering my neck with a few stray curls at the bottom. Sort of like those male Kathak dancers.

I hate it.

PS: if you are a male Kathak dancer who’s reading my blog, well, big cherry hello, how are you and that sort of thing.

you got me singing

To my big bum,

Apologies. For years I hated you. You reminded me of nimmi masi, baby masi, jojo aunty. Nimkis and nankhatais for tea.

Florid salwaar kameezs. Shopping for lizzy bizzy material at elko market in the hot summer.

You also reminded me of uncles. Called Bobby and Jolly. And cousins called Sonu and Monu.

I was always worried. You would give away my genes. My love for yellow daal. Palak mutton. Methi alu. And parathas with amul butter.

I know I probably hurt you by deliberately wearing stuff that concealed you.

And loudly proclaiming that my dream was to be like those boys whose jeans hung off their backsides.

But now, that’ll never happen again.

Yes, THE dress opened my eyes.

So please forgive me.

Yours thrilled to bits with you,

Agentgreenglass

picture @ deviantart

nicotine high

You know it just struck me. After a conversation i was having.

Probably the reason I hate flying now is because I don’t smoke anymore.

Revelation. Rock fell on my head.

See, it was like this. I had a job where I flew a lot. Lot of international flights as well. Okay, mostly to Singapore, but that’s international too okay.

Anyway, so I’d catch the Singapore Airlines flight that departs at an unearthly hour of 11.50 or something. But more than the wine on board, or the movies, or even Singapore, it was that cab ride to the airport that did it for me.

I’d rush home from work. My red suitcase (bought especially when I took the job!) would always be out. And by then I pretty much had a readymade list of things to shove into it. Packing would take fifteen minutes. Then I’d have a 10 minute shower, change into my most comfortable jeans and top. Wear a jacket (the flight can get freaking cold, and those inadequate blankets are like tissue paper), my soft red converse shoes, spray perfume (always Issey Miyake those days).

Kiss the boy. Kiss the dog, and wheel my bag out.

I’d usually find a cab down the street. It would be raining, wipers waving in all directions. Settle in and sink back.

Watch headlights, bright lights, hoarding lights flash by. Take out a cigarette. Goldflake. Light it.

The first drag. Windows down. Crisp night air. My perfume mingling with the breeze. Wet hair flapping.

Nothing. But me and the night.

Me about to embark on a journey. Adventurous. Mysterious. To a land where no one knows me (And yeah, at least twice with no dollars in my wallet, because I left them in my office bag)

And the night. Warm, barmy, and in cahoots with me.

It always felt like a movie that was about to start.

That’s it then. Next time I have a flight to catch, I’m gonna smoke myself a honey dew.

PS: greygrasshopper and i are talking. And we lapse into bong. Pagol na pajama is a phrase used. And i laugh as i write it. So descriptive. Are you mad or are you a pajama? it's funny.

japs, ocd's, monkey men - just another friday

The Japs to the rescue.

My ‘have I shut the front door and locked it’ OCD was reaching Al Burj heights.

Everyday I’d leave home and then start to fret. Is the door open? Did I close it? Maybe it’s open? Of course it’s open!

I was worried, either I’m becoming senile or Parsee.

Then my friend Bangkok Chic told me the Japs have a cure for it.

You shut the door. And then repeat thrice - I’ve shut the door. I’ve shut the door. I’ve shut the door.

It’s working just fine.

Except this morning, when I was at my second I’ve shut the door, I noticed my neighbour. I smiled and repeated the third, “I’ve shut the door” and she rushed into her house. With unnecessary haste I must add.

That apart, we have to take some clients out for dinner tonight. Two of them are okay. The third is an insufferable ass. He’s supposed to be the in-house creative guy at the client’s office, and the only thing creative about him is the way his hair grows out of his shirt and wraps itself around his neck like the clingy arm of a baby monkey.

Yesh.

Drinking with an enemy monkey. The things you have to do to make money.

Today is Friday, it is my day to live a simple life

Put on my make-up, dress up in colour

Maybe you might see me down here

Could you come along, bring me in

Could you come along, bring me in

Bring me in...

Friday by Goldspot hits the sweet spot always.

insole heel lifts = man's best friend

I knew what I was getting into.

Big Hollywood blockbuster. Big Hollywood stars. Adventure rom com.

But still when the goo splatters all over the room, you’re so unprepared for it.

And it was crap. Knight and Day.

You know Hollywood just has to stop copying Bollywood. It’s getting too much. I might just have been watching Hrithik Roshan and Priyanka Chopra in some mindless stunt filled movie.

And that too without any songs. Dude, whoever made the movie, yeah dude, you, I’m talking to you. Why didn’t you add a few songs? Like one in a nightclub. Right after they dodge bullets, would have fit perfect. And one when she needed to distract the bad boys. A nice item number there would have been super cool.

Anyway, Tom Cruise looks smoking hot. Though when he took off his shirt, I was repulsed. It looked totally plastic. I think I now know how it would feel to touch silicone boobs. Or something like that. That’s how his chest felt. Like you’d bounce off it if you went to snuggle up there.

And Cameron. She needs botox. Or gummy tape. Or whatever the procedure is to tape her saggy face skin in. She’s got a good body, there’s no doubt about that. But yeah, the fine lines are not fine anymore. They are like marker pens.

And in case you think I’m being a bitch, remember I blew up 1300 bucks for four of us. And that’s not including the popcorn, the hotdogs, the frankies, the sev puri, the dahi puri, the ice cream and the soda.

In case you are a glutton for punishment and insist on going for it, here’s the most enjoyable part of the movie. Watching how cleverly they’ve made Tom Cruise stand on a bar stool every time he’s in a shot next to Cameron Dias. Either it’s that or really low angle shots.

Egos are entertaining.

And I’m not going to tell you the story, coz there really is no story. Pah!

shaaktiman - a tribute

my dream is to make a living by making things. maybe someday it'll come true.

till then here's what i made over the weekend. a tribute to my hero shaaktiman. and the dreadful comic book i love. shaaktiman aur ladaku ladki (shaaktiman and the fightercock chick).

even i'm beginning to think i'm obsessed with underwear

No no no.

You cannot wear pillow cover like chaddis under your track pants.

You have red nail polish, a size zero figure, the Swarovski encrusted cellphone, bling blanging off your bangs, and then you turn around. And what do I see?

Stuffed chaddi in bebe syndrome.

It makes your ass look like two parts. saggy bottom, and stuffed bottom.

And then there’s my yoga teacher.

A contortionist.

Who also wears tight cream coloured pants with a chaddi that could be turned into a lifeboat for six, in case of flash floods.

I tried telling her about going Hilton. She almost choked on her Shirshasan.

Then I told her about thongs, and she told me never to wear them when I exercise because its heat producing.

Heat producing? Heat producing?????

Don’t know about you, but Greenpeace be damned.

I’d embrace global warming over meters of chaddi.

uummm...welcome to planet earth

"fuck, what is wrong with this man?" Indignation and coyness both mixed in her voice.

I'm discussing some work with AS. Both of us look up.

Her eyes are shining. " He's so weird." She's staring at her phone.

We stare back at her.

She grins this big grin and says, " I've hardly known him. We just met at a friends place. And then he messaged me this morning."

We're now super curious. Work has been abandoned.

I'm impatient as usual. "And..."

She continues. "... and now he's sent this message. LOL it says."

AS and I are wondering if we heard her right. Plus she is prone to rambling at times.

" LOL? Can you believe that? what is wrong with him?"

Now AS can't take it. He says, " What's wrong with him writing LOL?"

Her eyes become like saucers. " Lots of Love? Why is he sending me Lots of Love?"

Oooh. Not only does she ramble. But she also lives under a rock.

and he knows the colour of my heart

I just finished seeing pedro almodovar’s All About My Mother.

I bawled my eyes out.

How can a movie, something you watch with a thousand distractions. Something you know has been made, manufactured. With actors and actresses playing parts. How can a movie move you so much?

Of course it’s my own fear of death.

My love for dark colours, slow camera movements.

My fear of anything dark, mingled with my love for anything hopeful.

Still, how would a man sitting in another country, who’s never ever met me. And will never even meet me. Make a movie in a language that I don’t even understand. And yet move me so much?

the gentle sex? are you bloody crazy?

Funny how women size each other up.

Hmmm...white shirt, just a little too tight. Slanty eyes. Purring around the sofa.

Bitch.

Long legs. Crossing them, delicate anklet.

Maniser.

Husky voice. Can you get me my smokes from the table?

Slut.

Classified. Case closed. File shut.

Then you meet again. And she takes a look at you, and says, “You’re just getting hotter by the day.”

File reopened.

mourning the metal mouth

two years, two and a half months.

and this evening they were yanked, cut and tugged out of my mouth.

i couldn't stop grinning.

now...i'm missing them.

the braces made me look odd.

and i miss that.

and now i'm worried when i wake up in the morning, boing, my teeth will all be out and crooked again.

really, doing campaigns for stress pills is clearly working wonders for me.

immaculate examination

I had a hostel reunion the other day. And met M after ages.

She’s a certified nut job.

She was seeing this guy in the hostel. And could never make up her mind if she wanted to sleep with him or not.

Every Sunday she’d come back from spending the day at his place, and the first question I’d ask her was, “So?”

The answer would always be no.

Obviously the guy was trying every trick in the book. And M was running out of excuses.

So finally, it boiled down to this.

One evening she came back hysterical with laughter. Apparently things got really hot and heavy. And then she suddenly realised she didn’t want to go the whole hog. And she didn’t want to hurt his feelings either.

So in the middle of him tugging at her jeans she has a brainwave and yells stop. The poor guy stops.

M looks at him and says, “ I’ve taken a mannat. You can’t touch me below my boobs.”

The guy is horrified. And of course, in the hostel we’re all collapsing with laughter.

What kind of mannat is this?

Dear God, if you make me pass my exams, I’ll only let him touch my boobs and nothing else.

Anyway M passed with flying colours. And the guy ended up marrying her.

There must be a moral to this story. Or a song that sums it up.

PS: Here’s what i’m thinking. I’m going to write every day. For one whole month. Let’s see how it goes. If you see the number of unfinished craft projects scattered around my house. Or rather hidden in the deep recesses of the huge storage cupboard which I deviously got made for exactly this purpose, you shall realise that I’m not very good at being consistent.