how the west was won

It was 6 in the morning.

And the battle lines were already drawn across the large Arya Samaj community hall.

The quick-quick, fast-fast were on the right. Their uniform consisted of sleek stretchable Nike with 80 % lycra mixed.

They were here because they wanted to conquer. They had exactly an hour to master every yoga pose Swamiji taught. Then they would roll up their ultra thin mats, deep breathe their way to their cars and head home for a quick museli breakfast before making their way to their air conditioned offices.

The gup shup gang was on the left. Their uniform was the printed salwaar kameez with chuni tied. Or else bush shirt and pant for gents.

The class was a way of trying to reduce motapa. And catch up with friends. Every day they asked five questions about weight loss and held up the class for ten minutes while trying to engage Swamiji in water retention ke problems. After class they would hang around, having chai, and discussing the quick-quick, fast-fast gang.

Both sides hated each other. Both sides tried to convince Swamiji to change his timings so that the other lot could not attend. But Swamiji remained adamant. He insisted you have to adapt to your environment. The rush-rush, fast-fast gang wanted the pace of the class picked up. The gup shup gang wanted none of that. Swamiji threw both groups out.

The war continued. Dirty looks, muttered oof-oh’s, and comments about how the class could not progress because some people were so slow.

Then one day, Swamiji decided enough was enough and gave them a lecture. About how the atmosphere of the class was getting polluted. How it should only be about yoga, and not petty emotions like hate and so on and so forth.

The quick-quick, fast-fast class left in their usual rush after the class. And the gup shup gang, as usual hung around. They were struck by Swamiji’s words. The atmosphere of the class was getting polluted.

Next morning, they were ready. And like a good army they waited patiently, only to strike when the time was right.

It came in the 46^th minute of class, as Swamiji said, “ Aur ab saas chodiye, ghutnon ko kamar tak laiye, aur...(Now release your breath, bring your knees to your chest...and...)

And they all farted, long and loud in unison, timed to perfection with his last words...

“ Yeh pawanmuktasan...”

That was it. The sweet smell of victory hung in the air. Swamiji was delighted. Never before had his asanas had such a strong effect. 22 students had passed wind, imagine the success.

But of course, he wasn’t the only one successful. The rush-rush, fast-fast went back to the gym. And the gupshup gang claimed morning yoga as theirs once again.