Friday, October 29, 2010

glare bitch project



So i went for a birthday party the other night. Very la li lah.

As opposed to la di dah.

And yeah, there is a difference. La di dah is where you’re wondering if your underwear is showing through your dress because everyone looks so fucking condescending all the time.

La li lahs are like la di dahs, in that they are rich and influential, but they are also pretty fun. With or without the drugs.

Anyway so the la li lahs were all gathered in this flavour of the season khar pub. Again, that’s the difference la di dahs would die if they had to go to a place called WTF for a birthday party.

“my gawd dahling, how vulgar!”

So I decided to put my social graces into practise. Which largely consist of being extremely fake and sweet.

It is great fun, and mostly involves telling everyone you meet, “wow, how did you lose so much weight.” Of course if they are barely making it through the double door, I would skip saying that, but otherwise I say it to everyone.

Anyway, the highlight of the evening was the la di dah who had slipped into the party. She used to work at my previous office, and knows a lot of common colleagues. So someone introduces her, and I turn, all bright and happy, ready with my hello and losing weight line, when she looks at me.

And I felt like bloody Harry Potter when he was facing Voldemort.

She looked at me for a microsecond, and I knew my dress was all wrong, my underwear was showing, my hair looked liked from the 80’s, my nailpolish was the wrong colour, and so on and so forth. It just all flashed from her eyes to mine.

Brrrr. I had been la di dead!

Then she half nodded, while her lip curled in distaste, like i was a wilted piece of cabbage trying to pass myself off as fresh lettuce. And in slow motion, she turned to the person who had introduced us, broke into a huge smile and gushed "hello darling."

While i stared down at my glass, and muttered to my whisky, "wow, how did you lose so much weight?"

Instead, I should have whipped out my wand and said:

Bitch.

With unflattering balloon dress.

And fat calves.

Trantallegra you la di dah!

*sigh*


8 comments:

Aneela Z said...

And for a moment just like this Conjunctivitis was born. Tell resident badass to pass on the gift of pink eye rather than glad.

Jil Jil Ramamani said...

I knew there was some benefit to being uncool and uncouth.

It might have helped to go - "wow,how did you lose so much weight" *snigger* ?

DewdropDream said...

Jil Jil has a point, next time ... next time

Eveline said...

Whiskey? Well, shit, now you got me thirsty.

I feel your pain. I went to a party with a similar bitch. If there's anything worse than snooty bitches, it's SNOOTY WANNA-BE BITCHES WITH FAT CALVES.

This is that said...

2 slaps for her ! how dare she !! super bitch !

Shameem Akthar said...

hey.. they look like that because they are jealous dude.. they want to be uncool too, but can't live without their right lip stick shade. That bothers them like hell...
who cares? do u:)

shameem

tonguesmiley said...

Always. Always make it a point to slurp on my juice in front of them, smile enigmatically and totter away. :)

ani_aset said...

you actually said that? :)