Wednesday, January 7, 2009

taking off on a crab attack

Sorry for being AWOL. But I was having such a great time. Going out. Hanging out. Working. Watching movies. It’s been a good couple of weeks.

And now I have the crab attack. So I turned to writing. Really, I must try and write when I’m happy. Instead of just using this as my cyber therapy.

However, it is one of those days. When I wanted to cry in the morning. And before you curl your lip and smirk, no I’m not PMSing.

It’s just that I know what the reason is as well. And I’m so frustrated by my own ability to get over the damn reason, that I hate myself, and feel sorry for my self all at the same time. Net result, weepy face.

So here’s the thing. You all know it. But I am shit scared, mortally afraid of flying. I had a bad incident on a flight some years back, and since then I am a goner. I have palpitations, stomach aches, the sweats everything under the sun when I even think of flying.

However, with all that, I have flown. Like a mass of quivering jelly, I have caught flights and been all across the world. USA, Europe (twice), Singapore, Bangkok....the works.

The only problem is the damn fear refuses to go. And if I have the slightest chance I will not catch a flight. Only because I hate putting myself through all the trauma. It ruins my holiday, or rather the days leading up to it. I feel sick, nervous, upset, angry, sometimes all of this at the same time!

So I try and catch a train. Within the country.

So what’s the problem with that? Well, the Man I’m Mad About, who henceforth will be referred to as the man I’m Mad At, doesn’t get it. He just tolerates my problem. We don’t go on holidays together because he hates catching a train. Even within the country. And when he does, it’s with such reluctance, that I feel scared to ever ask him again. I just can’t get through to him that I’m trying. And I have flown around the world only because I don’t want to let him down. But it is hard for me.

Fucking shit.

I hate this. I hate being vulnerable. Especially to those I love. Because when they don’t get it. It hurts. More than your fear does.

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