
Thursday, February 3, 2011
a chance to work in your chaddis

Monday, January 24, 2011
modern talking

1.
Preschool in a grumpy lady’s living room. Which overlooks my office kitchen window.
Eh Tanay?
New bag men?
What your mother is getting too rich or what?
2.
Clothes store. Two accented women.
What?
Buy it.
But my arms look fat?
No...ya...maybe...
Yes or no?
Yes.
Shit, I really like it.
Then buy it.
But I look fat.
No, no, you don’t.
You sure?
Totally.
3
La Senza Trial Room, girl on phone.
Giggle. Idiot. Giggle.
What will you tell your mother, why am I there?
Giggle.
Oh god. Then she’s going to kn
ow for sure what we’re up to.
Giggle. Idiot. Giggle.
And by the way, does anyone apart from me remember modern talking. okay, i do. because i thought they were really cool. i obviously had very little knowledge in the cool department, because i spent a lot of time singing cheri cheri lady and brother louie. and actually thought you're my heart, you're my soul was the coolest song anyone could ever put on a mix tape for me.
i was a cool, cool girl.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
alpha calling beta

“ We’re moving to Hasimara.”
And in twenty days the house was boxed up. The carpets were rolled and wrapped in sack cloth and tied. Dad stencilled our name and destination over the large wooden crates, including the one that held our prized possession, the fridge.
I said bye to all my friends. And the trees in our backyard. Jamun, Guava, Ber, Imli, Mango, Lemon. Specially the guava tree with its white smooth limbs, and roomy perches between branches. I sat on it every day through my summer holidays, pretending it was a tree house.
I even went to the corner of the garden, the spot we always avoided. It contained a huge mound with a number of holes under the banyan tree. The cobra family lived there.
They were pretty peacefull, apart from having bitten and killed the poor tailor who had been cycling home at night. But then his cycle tyre ran over one of them. And after he got bitten, his relatives took him away to the village outside, where they made him lie in a mud pit and poured milk and ghee over him. Obviously not very effective in treating cobra bites.
Sometimes I would see a cobra slithering away towards the dense bougainvillea hedge we had around the house. Sometimes they would sun themselves on the steps behind our bathroom door. And since my mom insisted that after a bath, we must open the back door to dry out the bathroom, it was always a bit of an adventure. I usually unbolted the latch with a noise loud enough to wake up the dead, and then stamped around for a good five minutes, before flinging open the door and running in the opposite direction.
The cobras must have laughed their heads off.
My friends, three boys who lived in my lane, decided that they’ll give me a farewell gift. Four of us were the Mystery Solvers of Kalaikunda. Yeah, that’s what we called ourselves. And we wore raincoats as disguises, and constantly chewed on blades of grass while we discussed what new mystery we could solve. And we spent our time shadowing unsuspecting people on our cycles. Which was always a bit of a letdown because sooner or later they would realise four kids on cycles, wearing mismatched raincoats in peak summer, were trailing them. Also, the shadowing invariably ended on a rather sad note, at the puncture repair shop. I don’t know if it was the roads of Kalaikunda or our second hand cycles.
Anyway, so my goodbye gift was a grand old British bunker. Actually it was an abandoned old British bunker which had been discovered by one of the boys while cycling back from school. It was on one end of a huge parade ground. And covered with mud, stones and thorny bushes growing inside and outside it. And now that I think about it, probably many cobra families as well.
So on my last day, we cycled to the abandoned bunker and I was allowed to enter it first. We spent a happy hour fighting our way through the thorns and undergrowth to go into a dark, damp bunker that smelled strangely like the entrance to the kalaikunda sewage. After reassuring ourselves that nobody had stashed dead bodies in there, and there was no foul play, just a foul smell, we emerged, donned our raincoats and trailed a lady with a kid in the pram. We were sure it was a chopped body she was carrying in the pram.
When she turned around and waved to us, and asked if we’d like to see the baby, we fled in disgust. It was the best farewell I ever had.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
read the signs shyamalam

The year holds promise.
Seven days have gone by.
And on third day as I sat at Salt Water Cafe waiting for someone, a kindly waiter gave me my tea and croissants. Then he gave him his kitchen order pad and asked for my number. I thought it was for Wi-Fi security measures. Then he said, “Please your name also.”
Something about the way he said it made me ask him why.
“Because I want to make friandship with you. You are very pretty.”
On the fifth day I discovered a marvellous invention by Gmail labs. In case you are kind who loves to mail when drunk, it is the perfect application for you. It makes you to solve math problems before you can hit the send button.
Of course for someone like me, that might mean never being able to send a single mail.
Now if only someone would do the same for drunk messaging.
On the seventh day, I opened the Mumbai Times. And I saw a profile shot of Amitabh Bachchan in swimming trunks and a life jacket. I stared at his spindly wrinkly legs and white saggy bottom.
Some poor guy at TOI is in so much shit. Maybe he’ll follow it up with a bald picture.
I’m telling you it’s going to be a great year. Happy new year all you guys.
Monday, December 27, 2010
cool is a scary thing


It’s that time of the year again.
When my bloody jeans get so tight that they could pass off as jeggings or heggings or whatever ugly name they’ve given stretch jeans.
Anyway, the highpoint of Christmas was to discover that we are such a liberalised society. Yes, dahling, will you please light my menthol while I let my mind get as broad as my ass.
It started with Vidya Balan and Rani Mukherjee in what was supposed to look like a hot kiss, on the front page of Mumbai Times.
Dude, really, why?
First, they don’t have the guts to do an actual lip lock. This is a cheat faces at an angle kiss.
Second, even if they did, would we want most of the population throwing up their breakfast. I mean it’s as bad as seeing Nirupa Roy smooch Reema Lagoo.
Really, who wants to watch jaded auntie’s kissing. And that too while publicising a movie based on the Jessica Lal murder? What’s the connection? It’s not Thelma and Louise ladies; it’s a true story of how a girl was murdered.
Wake up, and get your publicity right. And oh by the way, I read they did the same “mock lip lock” at the IIT Mumbai Festival.
Even Savita Bhabi has better taste.
The next revelation came on Christmas Day. Yeah, it did. At a tea party. Where I was introduced to R, and told she’s D’s partner.
Now partner is such a loose word. It could mean they work together, they are a couple-but don’t want to say they are a couple, they have had children together but now have other partners...etc etc.
The possibilities are endless. The girl sensed my confusion and said, “We are business partners. That’s it. We started our company together.”
I smiled and nodded. Okay, point noted. Partnership details duly registered.
Till an hour later, when I popped into the balcony to say bye, and she was lounging in her partners lap.
Uuuf.
This is so confusing. Is lounging on the lap the new air kissing? business meeting? conference calling?
How will I ever be up to date? Gotta go look for a shop that sells menthols.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
stay off the ta-ta's



And, I’m just going to stop hugging women.
It’s just gross. Especially when they are really close friends, and the break the unsaid “hug from the side rule.”
Eeeew.
For the sake of those who might ever meet me, here are a set of hugs we can indulge in and one we can’t.
Side hug: my right arm across your shoulder, your left arm across mine. Very good.
Lean-to hug: push your face forward, lightly drape arms around extended neck, kiss cheek. Wonderful.
Hello darling hug: body at an angle, sides touch, one arm sort of around back, kiss cheek. All good.
And finally:
Full frontal hug: aka boob to boob hug. No. Never.
I don’t want your lady lumps touching mine. Not at any cost. It feels strange. Like jelly meeting jelly. And it reminds me of being terribly sea sick.
And while we’re on the topic of women, here are two I’ve been meaning to write about.
Ma Baker. Who bakes the most awesome cakes ever. I’ve licked crumbs, hidden the last piece, lied about it being over and would want it to be the last thing I ever eat.
Check out my friend finely chopped’s post on her. And if you want to eat some sinful stuff this Christmas call her at 9967023174 or mail her at gia.fernandes@gmail.com
And finally Yoga Nut. Dude, if you like yoga, you are gonna love Shameem. Stand on your head, become a crow, from the shoulder stand jump down and then back up, turn upside down in a wheel and walk like a crab. Most mornings for an hour I go back to feeling as happy and free and crazy as I was as a kid.